And It’s Another Sunday

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We talked.

We talked about us.

We talked about the future.

The future together.

We talked about shouting it from the mountain tops that we were in love.

We wanted to always be together.

We talked to my parents about my faults in our marriage.

They accepted him, even went as far as to invite us to Las Vegas with them later this year.

They told us it wasn’t impossible, that if we wanted to work it out then we could and would.

We talked about the competition, about how I was the one he wanted back stage with him.

The one who knew him during his preps.

We talked about Mexico.

We talked about a family vacation.

We talked about living together.

We talked about marriage.

He even has my wedding ring sitting beside his on his nightstand.

We talked about knowing times weren’t always going to be easy.

I have fully excepted that things were not going to be immediately like they were. I knew that there were going to moments of anger, doubt, and insecurity, but I committed to myself to continue working on me in order to be the best wife, mother, friend, and companion. I have no intention on stopping that.

I sit here an empty shell.

Not certain what to make of anything.

Do I pick up my things from his house risking him thinking that I am giving up, throwing the towel in? Because that is not the conclusion that I want him to come to. Do I pick up my things from his house and give him time? I am sure that this is the right thing to do, but the thought, the thought alone kills me.

The past week, for me, was magical. I felt as though we had never connected in such a way. I was certain that we were going to again be our family. I can’t even express the unbearable pain that I feel right now.

Perhaps I deserve this.

Life Lesson

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Life has taught me that love does not only consist of gazing into my lovers eyes, but also in looking outward together in the same direction.

As I drove away from his house this morning in route to celebrate with my mom’s last of many, many chemo treatments over the past 12 months it hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not imagine living this life without him. He has been there through so many difficult times in my life. And for each of those difficult times there have been glorious times in our relationship. He held me in April of 2004 when my grandmother passed away. Just a few short months later in September, I became Mrs. Jerry Greer Jr. When I went through several months of counseling for the abuse, you were constantly by my side. You did what I needed you to do, you pushed when I needed to be pushed and held me when I saw no hope. In January 2013 I received a call from my mom, although she didn’t want to tell me over the phone I pulled it out of her, she had breast cancer. You held me so tightly and assured me that everything would be fine. In April of the same year we vacationed in Puerto Vallarta and when I began to become upset because I wasn’t going to be there for mom when she had her treatment you offered to get me a flight home to be with her on Thursday morning for her treatment. When I said we were done, you didn’t give up hope. You struggled and you coped, but you never gave up on me. Those are only a few examples of the times when he stood unwavering by my side.

I will never forgive myself for what I did to you or our relationship. I will always keep it in my mind and my heart to make myself better for you, for me, for us, for our family. You truly deserve a woman who adores you. You deserve someone who dotes over you. I want to show you each and every single day how much you mean to me. I want you to be proud that you and I are together. I want you to be delighted to have me on your arm. I want to be your cheerleader, your supporter, your best friend, your partner, your rock, your everything. I want you to know that you are my best friend, my rock, my hero, and my everything.

I cannot wait to spend forever with you. I don’t care if it is as your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. If I am by your side I will forever be happy. I love you so very much. Thank you for everything that you have ever done for me and every time you have stood by my side when times were not ideal. I will never be able to fully express how much you mean to me.

Flutter

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There is someone so special in my life.
They, without even knowing it, take my breath away.

With only a wink you can make my heart flutter.
I can see you now, standing across the room winking at me with a look in your eyes like you are in love.
With a smile I know how you feel.
Your smile can light up my life.
When you wrap your arms around me I feel secure.
There is nothing in this world that can take that feeling away from me.
You touch me so gently and I go weak.
Whether it is on the cheek, hand, leg, or arm you make me go weak just by a caring touch.
You kiss me and I feel a fire burning inside.
I feel how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

I love you with all of my being. I will give you my all.

PV Day 1

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We had such a great time yesterday!

Our flight was great. When we arrived at the resort we were greeted with a glass of champaign and a moist, minty lavender scented towel. We had drinks and lunch while waiting for our room to be ready. They upgraded our room to an ocean view from a garden view. We had dinner at a nice restaurant then went to the beach for the nightly entertainment. As we walked down the beach we saw a mother whale and her baby playing in the ocean. We watched them for at least 30 minutes. It was magical!!

I am so lucky to be able to experience such wonderful things.

Oh, and mom is feeling great after her last chemo treatment.

Something Amazing

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Something amazing has happened. Something I never thought possible, not even in a million years. I have such a deep love. The love is indescribable. I have never felt so close to someone in my entire life. He completes me. He is the one who I will spend the rest of my life with. Last night we sat on the couch enjoying each other’s company and watching a movie. I couldn’t keeps eyes off of him. I couldn’t keep my lips from wanting to touch him. As we laid in bed I couldn’t help but to think how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to spend time with such a wonderful man. I love him. I will spend each day showing him how deep my love for him is.

Something amazing.

Where I Am

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Where I am
I am here
One step at a time
One day at a time
I have hurt
I have been hurt
I need to be happy
To make others happy
I have guilt
I have anger
I have fear
I have hesitation
I need to take it at a slower pace
I wish you understood
One step at a time
I understand if you can’t wait
I understand if you don’t want to wait
I cannot hold that against you
You have to do what you have to do
Just as I do
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring
I am just taking it one step at time
I enjoy spending time with you
I am leery to get back into the old routine
I care about you
I care about me
I’m scared
That it won’t ever change
That the hate and resentment will continue
For both of us
I know you are holding some in your heart
I am too
Because I am scared
Because I don’t want to hurt
I feel as I am being pulled at one moment
Then shoved as hard as one could be away

It’s Never Going To Be Easy

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It’s never going to be easy.
Each and every single day will be a struggle.
But you have to do what you have to do.
I don’t blame you.
I encourage you.
For you.
Be the very best you that you can be.
I can’t sit back and watch you walk into their arms.
For them to embrace you and tell you it will be okay.
I can’t.
I wish it could have been different.
I wish it would have worked.
I wish you the best.

As we sit here in silence, no longer husband and wife
Our last walk down memory lane fills my eyes with tears
I see us walking hand in hand
The happiness and love we felt makes me want to stay…
I know the best of us is yet to be for both of us
I feel the future calling me…but I don’t want to go.
The road of our life together is ending here today
Going in different directions, with nothing left to say.
The last walk down memory lane finds us crying and alone
With nothing left but memories of our family and our home.